Checking & Savings are uplifting stories of how Mr. Messiah checks in on people and saves them from whatever predicament they may or may not be in. It does not mean he removes the “predicament” per se, or even helps them at all for that matter. But with the omniscience and omnipotence he carries in his wallet, he is able to assist in ways that are incredibly ineffective. But never judge ineptitude by appearances, for true help usually comes in ways that are completely unnoticed, unseemly and irrelevant to the benefactor. And hey – if that doesn’t sell you, then I don’t know what will!

So here are a few stories that exemplify the DC’s astonishing powers. You might want to grab a box of tissues before you start reading because – yes, you will be that moved. And a spiritually evolved person should always wipe after a good movement.

Checking & Savings Story #1:

I was in deep meditation one day when suddenly I found myself being whisked out of my body and flying through the sky at a million point one miles per hour. Next thing I knew I was floating by the bedside of a dying little girl of around ten years in age. She, in her fragile, semi-conscious state was able to see me. And so I spoke to her: “What’s the matter, little girl?” She smiled in a surprisingly deep serenity and said, “I’m dying, schmuck. Please don’t tell me you’re the douchebag angel they sent!”

“I’m not an angel,” I replied. “Good, then fly your etheric-ass outta here and take those weird looking humps with you!” Perplexed, I gazed at her for what seemed like an eternity, and then replied, “How do you feel about dying?” Astonished I would ask such a question, she barked back with, “I’m not all that good with it, f*ckface!”

At this moment, I realized why Divine Spirit had brought me to this little girl. And so I said, “People assume the meaning of the word “life” is to exist in the body. But the truth is that life is eternal. Therefore there really is no such thing as the death of you for you can never die. It’s impossible.” I noticed her eyes welling up and after a long pause, she whispered with a poignant smile, “If you don’t leave me the f*ck alone I swear to God I will come back and haunt your flabby ass - morning, noon and night!” Within a split second I blasted myself back into my physical body. This was one scary little pain in the lass!

Two hours later I was paid a visit by the soul of this girl. She had just passed away (in the higher worlds we lovingly like to refer to this as “croaking.”). I was a bit nervous not knowing if she were planning to stick around and haunt my ass as she had threatened. But she just winked at me and simply said, “Thank you for making my last moments on Earth irritating ones. I am now more ready than ever to leave this God forsaken world and spend some happy time in the asshole-free higher planes.”

“You’re quite welcome,” I replied, adding “It’s a nice perk of my job to help people die.” “Who the hell are you?” she asked. “Let’s just say – I’m a friend.” She simply replied, “With friends like you, I’m glad I’m f*ckin’ dead.” She smiled warmly at me and then rose up through the ceiling and was gone.

I looked in the mirror to see the state of my humps. If one is glowing that means I’ve done a good service. In this case, both were glowing brightly. Perhaps it was the full moon beaming its bright light in on my head through the nearby window, or perhaps it was my higher self lighting up to get high. Either way, I took great pride in knowing I expedited a nasty little girl’s physical demise. Such is the profoundly odd yet fulfilling life of a compassionate spiritual master.

Checking & Savings Story #2:

Another non-Muuuist has benefitted from the remarkable wisdom of the new Messiah. But this particular dude is almost a Muuuist since he is one of the people who helped design this website. Therefore his close proximity to Sri Camel’s writings has allowed some of their higher vibratory vibrations (which vibrate at a higher frequency then Courtney Love’s favorite vibrator) to seep into his consciousness, thus giving the DC access to his soul. For the sake of saving precious time, we’ll simply call him Jeff C. (His real name has 15 syllables!)

So Jeff C. was working on this website late into the early morning hours one night while Sri Camel happened to be perched over his neighborhood. The DC picked up on Jeff C’s emotional state and immediately realized Jeff C. was suffering from acute depression. Sri Camel thought to himself, “There ain’t nothin’ cute about depression.” So he dove down into Jeff C’s computer room and appeared to him upside down with his head smack in the middle of Jeff’s monitor.

Jeff C. was surprised to see the Dalai Camel hovering upside down with his head in the monitor. “Perhaps I’m just imagining this?” he thought, since he had been staring at images of the Dalai on his computer screen all night long.

“Dalai Camel? What are you doing here?” “You’re depressed, Jeff C., so I thought I would drop in and prevent you from f*cking up my website.” Jeff C. just stared at him, but the Dalai soon smiled and followed up with, “I’m just screwing with you, pal. Now I would ask you what’s the matter, but in terms of spirituality, the reasons never matter. I’ll repeat that for you, Jeff C., just in case this gets printed as a story one day. The reasons behind depression do not matter, as relevant as they might seem to you while you’re being tortured by them. The only thing that matters is the karma (and resulting suffering) at the cause of it.”

Jeff C. thought about this and replied, “Wow, if you weren’t upside down when you said that, I would have really been impressed.” “Perhaps it is you whom is upside down!” the DC shot back with. Jeff C. replied, “How profound. Now can you tell me the karma I’ve created that is causing my current suffering?” “The specifics of karma are immaterial. The point is you did something in your past while being in the scumbag state of consciousness. You caused other people pain, and therefore need to balance the slate now by suffering an equivalent amount of misery.” “But what if I’m sorry for whatever it was that I did?” Jeff C. pleaded. “Saying you’re sorry is like handing out counterfeit money in the super-karma-market. It’s no good and it just gets confiscated.” “This really bites” Jeff C. said in complete discouragement.

Suddenly the DC had a major revelation: “Through my God-like godliness, you just provided the answer to your suffering, Jeff Csavinlowitzkindoskinvalingdavincicode.” (That’s his real name. Think I’ll go back to calling him Jeff C.)

Jeff C. still could not understand what the Dalai Camel was inferring. “There’s a way out of your suffering, my child. All you need to do is cause yourself enough pain to cancel out your debt.” Before Jeff C. could reply, the DC snapped at him with: “However! You cannot inflict just any kind of pain on yourself. There is only one kind of self-inflicted pain in existence that can cancel out bad karma.” “…I’m listening” answered Jeff C. The Dalai closed his eyes and let the voice of God speak through him: “In life, if a person wants to expedite payment of a karmic debt, all he or she needs to do is bite off a piece of their own arm. But it must be from the underside of the left arm. And the size of the bite must correlate to the severity of their infraction.” “Is that it?” Jeff C asked. “No! The arm meat must then be chewed for fifteen minutes. No more and no less.”

The Dalai Camel went on to explain to Jeff C. that this great secret will one day be common knowledge, and that society will be filled with people walking around in public chewing their own arm meat. This will be known as “karmic transference” and the “biters” will not only rid themselves of their terrible karma from the past, but will also be extremely reluctant to incur any additional bad karma.

Jeff C. just stared at the Dalai for what seemed like several decades and then simply said, “Wow.” The DC nodded and replied, “Now bite your way out of this depression so you don’t f*ck up my website” He then playfully patted Jeff C. on the head as if he were his faithful pet dog and then floated up through the ceiling.

Jeff C.’s depression was all gone by noon of the following day, and people noticed a greater bounce in his step. His wife said, “Honey, you look so happy! But what is that bandage around your arm?”

Jeff C. smiled and said, “Sweetie – I learned a valuable lesson today. Going forward, when it comes to doing bad things, I will never bite off more than I can chew.” Jeff C. has been living a spiritually clean life ever since. The only down side is he’s a lefty and now really sucks at tennis. Such is the price of enlightenment.

Checking & Savings Story #3:

As your current day Messiah, I am often called upon to help celebrities, since their states of consciousness have a profound effect on the public. There is a particular celebrity I assisted in the dream state that you are all familiar with. I won’t mention her name for the sake of respecting her privacy, but for now – in the spirit of anonymity, let’s just call her Flitney Smears.

So I visited Flitney in her dreams and asked her to stop flashing her vagina in public. “Not that – that was such a bad thing,” I explained to her, “but it distracts others from The Flow of God.” I went on to further explain that it was my job to enhance The Flow in as many people as possible, and that I was sort of a Roto Rooter man for divine spirit, and her pussy was clogging up the pipeline. “If God wanted you to flash your vagina, he would have put it underneath your nose and had you speak out of it. But instead he prefers you flash your smile and speak out of your mouth. Does this make any sense to you, Flitney?”

At that point she pounded my cranial humps with the bottom of her fist and said, “Stay out of my business, weirdo! I know what I’m doing!”

Messengers from God never have it easy, I can tell you that. But she did mention that she admired my bald head, and I think that influenced her in some way or another since her vagina flashing days seem to be a thing of the past.

Dream intervention is just one of the many ways we Messiahs assist celebrities as well as the “nobodies” in society. So you can look forward to an occasional late night visit from me. Although please don’t expect me to interrupt you during a wet dream. It’s not in my job description.

Anyway, Flitney is a sweet soul, loaded with the gift of talent and I wish her well.

Checking & Savings Story #4:

This is a story of someone I was not able to save. I just wanted to let you know there are people I sometimes cannot help. Such is life, my bitches.

In one of these cases, George W. Bush had prayed for divine intervention during the final months of his presidency. Well no one on the other side wanted to help him, so I ended up volunteering for the job because I drew the short straw, dammit! Talk about getting Bush-whacked.

I went to him and said, “George – it is so late in your presidency and you have screwed up on so many levels. I don’t see how in the world I will be able to help you at this point in time.” He explained that he always believed God had put him in that position of power, and he wanted to leave office with a great legacy. I reiterated that with only a few months left, it was too late to do anything of great significance. He replied, “No, I don’t want to do anything great. I just want people to perceive me as someone who had accomplished great things.” I sighed and explained to him that it was impossible for me to change over six billion perceptions, especially with a worldwide economic collapse about to occur.

He sat down looking very disheartened (not bothering to inquire about the economic collapse I had alluded to either, by the way.). After a long moment of silence, he asked, “Do you think the W. in my name really stands for “Worst” – as in the worst president in North American history?” I said, “George – look at it this way: you are right now in the list of the top 50 presidents in the entire history of the United States. The top 50!” He thought about it for a moment and answered, “That is kind of a remarkable accomplishment, ain’t it now?” I said, “Sure it is. To finish in the top 50 of anything, even if you’re at the very bottom of the list, is still something to write home about.”

At that point he pulled out some letterhead and starting writing a letter to his parents, with a big, dumb grin plastered across his face. I quickly saw that as my opportunity to get the hell out of there. It’s worth reiterating that I just cannot save everybody. Sometimes all you can do is give the perception of helping. This is just a taste of the kind of work a Messiah performs on a day to day basis.