Funny We Should Meet This Way (continued)

Of course you shouldn’t believe any wild claim like this, not even for an instant! Religious deluders (or as I like to refer to them: clergybags) are a dime a dozen.

Yet when one has had the title of Messiah bestowed upon her (or him, as in my case… or so I’d like to think), it is impossible to lie or deceive - for those are lower world qualities that I have banished from my mind and heart a long, long time ago. So rest assured you are hearing nothing but the truth from me!

(Okay, I lied – you’re reading the truth. Hey – no one’s perfect, not even us Messiahs, okay?)

Just know that I swear on my sacred humps that this is not some kind of a hoax.

Let’s be perfectly clear that I – The Dalai Camel – am the new Messiah on Earth!!

I seem to be picking up some pretty strong vibes that you still don’t believe me. Well what if I showed you the trophy I won from the N.H.S. – would that possibly open your mind to the possibility? What’s the N.H.S., I hear you asking me telepathically? Why it’s the National Humility Society, and I’ve won the humblest soul in the Milky Way Award for three centuries in a row now!!!! Which happens to be a new galactic record, if I do say so myself!.… Not that I would ever brag about it, of course. (Well I would, but I’m shooting to win for a fourth consecutive century, so why take even the slightest risk, right?)

Now as your new Messiah, I intend to save every last damned one of you! Yet there is actually nothing to save you from, because in God’s divine plan, no soul is damned, and none of us are really in any kind of danger whatsoever. We are, though, destined to spiritually mature to a point where we will be ready to dwell in the highest of the divine universes. But to evolve to that point takes an incredibly long time. Yet I, as your Messiah – intend to save you… time, that is! That’s right - eighty-eight lifetimes, to be exact. Think of it: that’s eighty-eight times you won’t have to be plopped down into this world into bodies you’ll dislike, with relatives you’ll disown, along with marriages destined for disdain and disillusionment, as well as dissatisfying jobs that’ll cause you daily discouragement, discord and disgust. (Disturbing - all this dissing, eh?)

As Messiah - I will instruct you in the art of flowing divine love in ways you’ve never dreamed of. Oh, you may think you know something about divine love, but unless you’ve reached a level requiring a specially made helmet and kneepads, then you still have a long way to go in mastering God’s pure love.

You see, very few people realize that it is easy to squeeze off the flow of divine love, thus negating any spiritual gains made, as well as the chance to realize the esoterically sought after state of EGG (Extreme God Gushing). Sometimes, all it takes is one little thing to cut if off. For example, Richard Simmons was very close to achieving EGG, and he would have, had it not been for those short shorts he always wears. Spirit refuses to gush through those in short shorts due to the possibility of leakage.

Another example is Karl Rove. A lot of people think it was the way he channeled his exceptional mental faculties in such fashion as to deceive and manipulate the American people so that the narrow interests of a very elite few would supercede the welfare of the greater good. Not true. It was actually the nickname W gave him: Turd Blossum. God is very proud of his creation of the turd. It was ingeniously designed to smell like shit so that hungry, ignorant people would not shovel it down their throats, thinking it was good for them. Yet Mr. Rove used this exact same principle to sell the hungry American people on ideas that were not good for them by cleverly disguising the disgusting, putrid odor inherent in his atrocious schemes. He was thus able to manipulate trusting citizens into ingesting excrement that ended up flushing the entire country right down the crapper. And so divine spirit does not like when some political douchebag gives one of its prized creations - the turd - a bad name. And frankly - that stinks!

So for those of you who need to process a conclusion to all of this, I offer you the following: Forget the term “Messiah” if it’s something that rubs you the wrong way. There are connotations to such a term that can elicit a strong emotional reaction in many people who have been mentally conditioned since childhood to see the religious aspects of life in a constricted way. Instead, try to look at me as the consequence of a good dice spin in the game of Monopoly, where you’ve just landed on “Chance” and picked up a “Get Out of Jail Free” card. But in my game, this card can be used as follows: The next time you’re in the afterlife and your guide tells you it’s time to take on a new body and return to Earth for yet another lifetime, you simply whip out this card and shove it in his face, saying: “Yeah, not this time, dickweed!” and fly away laughing your Heavenly ass off.