MUUUISM IS THE NEWEST AND COOLEST RELIGION ON EARTH!!
(I am The Dalai Camel and I approve this message.)

So what is this Muuuism mucus-inducing malarkey and what can it do for you? Well, no one can answer that until you begin studying the Muuuism discourses. But you say, “Whoa, hold on there, D.C.! Why should I even think of giving my hard earned money to some fringe lunatic in a robe? What’s in it for me?” And to that I say this:

Muuuism will take that sorry excuse of a life you’re barely enduring and turn it into an exciting spiritual existence of fearlessness, joy, understanding, tranquility and perpetual rapture. And that’s even before you’ve had your morning cup of tequila!

You want enlightenment? We got it! You want total compassion? It’s yours for the asking! You want to fully understand the purpose of life and the detailed process of death and the afterlife? We will hook your divine ass up, baby! Death – schmeth!

Muuuism is the perfect religion for anti-religious people!

No one wants to live by rules and rituals commemorating events that took place centuries ago, right? Who’s got time for that crap? We just want the truth and we want it now! Well I will give you the truth! Why? Because you can handle the truth!

“Well that’s all fine and good,” you say… “But anyone can make wild claims and promise the sky. So can you please be more specific? I need to understand how Muuuism will change my life, especially when it comes to joy, financial freedom and more sleep.”

Allow me to fling you a ridiculous metaphor that probably won’t answer your concerns:

Muuuism is like a dating service that will hook you up with the Almighty in a long-term, fulfilling relationship that will never grow stale. And it won’t be that kind of bullshit deity-child connection where you fear some omniscient, invisible being in the sky that is ready to pounce down on you for having even the slightest “wrong thought” or for picking your nose in public. (By the way – Muuuism does not advocate picking your nose in public. A quick, discreet scratching of the crotch is acceptable though, except at work or on a date.)

As a thriving member of this religion, your communication to God will rarely consist of the following four words: “Help!; Please!; Why?; and Stop!” (I was going to add in: “YOU GOTTA BE F*CKING KIDDING ME!” but this is a PG website and I can’t be saying that kind of shit if you know what I f*ckin’ mean. Bullshit language restrictions.)

So if you dread God to any degree whatsoever, then you’ve been duped. Sure, it’s one thing to fear pain and misery because they really suck and no one in their right mind wants to experience them. But the truth is that they are there to teach you how not to be a douchebag. Oh – and compassion as well. God itself, however, is never to be feared. Any religion worth its saline knows God to be the coolest, most wonderful entity imaginable times a billion to the trillionth power minus nine. (That’s a deduction for creating mosquitoes. Sorry, but that was a totally lame idea, Mr. Know-it-Almighty!)

“But – oh,” you say, “- my religion already teaches me the truth about God.” Does it now?! Does it really? Let me ask you a few questions then: Does God like cream or non-fat milk with his morning coffee? Does God put on his pants one pant leg at a time or can he morph right into them? And how many pants legs do his jeans have? Bet you don’t know any of this ridiculous nonsense, do you.

But! ... - By becoming a member of Muuuism, you will have a much better understanding of not only God’s pants, but his entire fricken’ wardrobe! That’s right! In fact, we will show you how to dress to succeed. Not in business or in your personal life, but in your spiritual life. And we’re not just talking coffin attire here, folks.

You will get your act together in ways you cannot imagine!! You will no longer require artificial personality traits to make your way through a party. You and your aura will light the way and blind everyone in your path! We will teach you the un-teachable and bake you the unbakeable. You will learn how to turn misery into miser-ade. And you will never have an emotional connection to blow up dolls again!

How? Well, first you have to become a member in good standing. But you can’t join Muuuism right now because we’re still trying to figure out how to set up the membership process. Is this one wild and wacky religion or what!! My God - talk about cool!!

In the meantime, you can begin by purchasing the discourses. Got $3.33 worth of disposable income? Dispose it my way and you will be on your way, my friend. Not sure exactly to where, but I will set your feet on a path that is wide enough to fit your hungry feet. And where will this path lead? God only knows! But the only way you’ll find out is to sing the sacred word. Now get yourself into a bovine state of mind, okay?

On the count of 3. Ready? 1, 2, 3 – “M-U-U-U-U-U-U-U-U-U-U!”

And with that simple “Muuu” you are well on your way to Cow-Realization (which is the predecessor to God-Realization). Congratulations!